Exist With Confidence, Not Performance or Relentless Chasing
The Man Who Doesn’t Chase, But Stays
Let’s cut straight to it.
This whole idea that men are supposed to relentlessly chase women to “prove” their interest is trash advice.
It’s one of those “divine masculine” guru talking points that sounds poetic in a caption, but in practice… it’s weird, outdated, and in some cases, straight-up harmful.
Movies, songs, TikTok “love coaches” have all glamorized the relentless chase. The man who won’t take no for an answer. The guy who keeps showing up until she gives in.
& we’ve been sold this as romance.
But in today’s world, relentless pursuit can look less like romance and more like pressure.
It can feel invasive. It can cross boundaries.
& for a lot of women who have dealt with trauma or unwanted attention, it’s not “proof of love,” it’s a nightmare on repeat.
So here’s my stance:
if you have to exhaust someone into noticing you, it’s not love, it’s desperation.
Presence vs. Performance
I’ve always believed presence is louder than pursuit. Confidence doesn’t need a megaphone.
You can feel it in the way someone carries themselves, the steadiness in their energy, and the way they show up without flailing around trying to be noticed.
It’s a magnetism that doesn’t need performance.
Meanwhile, the “chasing” gurus are basically telling men to become performers in their own lives.
Dance harder. Shout louder. Buy more things. Text faster. Pretend you’re “the prize” by running a game of psychological tricks.
It’s all exhausting.
& if you start your relationship by performing, guess what you’ll have to keep doing for the entire relationship?
Performing.
The moment the mask slips, so does the attraction.
Watching the Chase in College
College was the clearest example for me.
I’d go out with friends, grab a drink, hang back, and just observe.
Over and over, I’d watch dudes throw themselves at women like moths around a lightbulb.
Relentless chatter. Over-the-top compliments. Some degrading, some just plain desperate.
It looked like they were competing in a sport no one else had agreed to play. The more they performed, the more hollow it all felt.
Meanwhile, the only thing I ever felt compelled to do in those settings was simple, a respectful compliment, a warm smile, and maybe a quick conversation about something real, if it landed naturally.
That was it.
If there wasn’t mutual interest in that moment, no amount of persistence was going to change the equation.
If there was mutual interest, you could feel it. No chasing required.
Pressure Isn’t Proof
The problem with these “chase relentlessly” scripts is that they confuse pressure for passion.
Pressure doesn’t prove anything except that you’re willing to ignore someone’s boundaries.
Think about it. If a woman says she’s not interested, and you keep showing up with flowers, texts, grand gestures, or whatever the movies told you to do, what are you really saying?
You’re saying you don’t trust her no.
You’re saying your need for her attention is more important than her own feelings.
That’s not love, it’s manipulation.
Mutual Attraction Is Obvious
One of the simplest truths about attraction is when it’s mutual, you know.
There’s an ease to it, a natural back-and-forth, and a spark that doesn’t require scripts or rulebooks.
The gurus act like women are puzzles to be solved, walls to be scaled, and trophies to be won.
But what if it’s simpler than that? What if love is about connection, not conquest?
I don’t believe in hunting someone down until they “surrender.”
I believe in recognizing the magnetism when it’s there and respecting the space when it’s not.
Chasing vs. Staying
Here’s what I’ve come to believe:
Chasing is frantic. Staying is steady.
Chasing is about proving worth. Staying is about living it.
Chasing is noise. Staying is presence.
The most attractive thing I’ve ever seen is the quiet confidence of someone who doesn’t need to chase.
Someone who exists with steadiness, shows up with integrity, and doesn’t flinch if the answer is no.
No woman wants to feel like she’s the finish line in someone’s race.
She wants to feel like she’s met someone who stands firmly in himself and who chooses her not out of desperation but out of resonance.
My Philosophy in Practice
I’m not saying I’ve never been bold or initiated interest. Of course I have.
But there’s a line between expressing interest and becoming a caricature of pursuit.
Back when I met my wife, I didn’t throw every trick in the book at her. I didn’t show up with a relentless chase.
I noticed her, she noticed me, and we both felt something.
Did I express interest? Yes.
Did I pursue her? Yes, but with respect, with presence and with listening to the cues in front of me.
Not with an exhausting checklist of “chase tactics” from a $999 divine masculine course.
We connected. It was mutual. & instead of chasing her like prey, I stayed with her as a partner.
Almost eleven years later, I’d say it worked out.
What Relentless Chasing Misses
The gurus miss one massive point: attraction and love aren’t about chasing at all. They’re about:
Consistency. Showing up not just on the first date, but every day after.
Respect. Listening when someone sets boundaries.
Integrity. Being the same person in private that you perform in public.
Magnetism. The natural pull that comes from being grounded in who you are.
None of those require chasing, but staying.
Why Performance Fails
Performance can get you attention. It might even get you a date. But it won’t get you longevity.
Because the moment your performance falters, your whole foundation crumbles.
Confidence, on the other hand, doesn’t waver. It doesn’t need props, scripts, or relentless effort. It’s who you are when you’ve stripped away the performance.
That’s what stays.
The Trauma Layer
There’s another piece here that the gurus almost never mention: trauma.
For a lot of people, women especially, being “chased” doesn’t feel flattering. It feels threatening. It brings up old wounds of being cornered, ignored, or pressured.
So when you glorify relentless pursuit as “proof of interest,” you’re also glorifying the very behavior that can retraumatize someone who’s finally learning to stand in her own boundaries.
Love isn’t about forcing your way past someone’s no. Love is about respecting it until a yes comes naturally, or not at all.
Confidence Is Quiet
Here’s my truth.
Confidence isn’t loud. It isn’t performance. It isn’t exhausting.
Confidence is walking into a room without needing to dominate it.
It’s speaking when you have something real to say, not just filling silence.
It’s respecting boundaries instead of bulldozing them.
& in relationships, confidence is choosing to stay. Day after day. Long after the fireworks of the chase would’ve burned out.
If you strip away the TikTok scripts, the divine masculine rulebooks, and the $1,000 workshops teaching you how to “pursue her properly,” it comes down to this:
You don’t have to chase to be chosen.
You don’t have to perform to be loved.
You don’t have to exhaust yourself proving your interest to someone who already knows.
Exist with confidence. Show up with integrity. Trust that mutual attraction will reveal itself without a performance.
Because the man who doesn’t chase but stays is the man who lasts.